无奈

good morning, after 4 very long and sleepless nights i managed to get some form of decent sleep. so i can do a rant and update.

- i have to go for another iodine treatment again. time frame, between nov to april. yes again... will know about the nodule in the neck in sept. worst is to cut it out. i did take the news very hard because

a)it will be a six weeks starvation + the isolation all over again. with it, all the feeling sick, weak, cramps, vomitting. needless to say i know exactly what i will be going through. and the post recovery of trying to get well again.

b) waiting..... waiting doesn't work for me. i dun like to even wait for more than 20mins. i hate to look forward to something not nice.

c) being fat and getting fatter. really it's not like i can help me. i cannot fit into my old clothes all over, not even if i wear 2 corsets. yes i noe i need to wait for the metalbolism to stablise before everything is normal. read point A, means i need to go through this again as well... do u like being fat? or do you look forward to being fat again!!!!

d)pretending that everything is fine and dandy when is not. u try and hold it in all in for e entire day when you're out with your parents and see how u feel.....

e)cut where ever you want, i just want to heal nicely...

f) going for reviews means getting your wounds pressed at. Been getting the same post ops stabs all over again. which will prob be over soon i hope.


SO,

a)don't offer me some monetary solution to the above. very obviously it doesn't help.

b) i cry when it's in the night when there is not one around. if u are too tired to come console me the first 2 nights, i can understand. when u roll over and fall sound asleep i can also understand. BUT i totally cannot. CANNOT CANNOT accept it when i cry, u console me with one hand, keep your other hand on the laptop and laugh to RanMa! to me, it is so NOT funny.

c) u cannot even be bothered to spend a little quality time with me when i need cheering up. Getting pissed off all over again in a vicious cycle of anger is not helping. If you dun cherish weekend time, then neither will i be like a ditzy roadie hanging around, waiting for something to happen. plus i changed my lessons when u told me u were going to be off on monday.... GREAT. If u cancelled, i would be nice if i were informed too.

I Do not eat dinner at 10.30pm or later. I Do not sleep and wake up feeling unhurt and pretend like nothing's happen. The time of the month is also not coming yet, it is not a nice experience to have your period when your body is going through shit.... dun sms me and ask me if everything is ok... duh. I am jus trying very hard to hold it all together. I noe there's alot of love but i just need the TLC when is needed...

thank u for ur smses of encouragement, it will be fine after awhile. i just need to be less angry.